Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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