dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
