You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
