this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
