A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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