i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
