so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
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I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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