Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
