so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
