So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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