Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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