Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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