Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
