who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
