i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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