I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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