my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
