you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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