Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
