you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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