i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
