That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
