god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
