Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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