Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
where are my eyebrows?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
