so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
