She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
