Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
