I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
