So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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