Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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