I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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