My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
