after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
