Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
