the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
