I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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