I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
my penis made a compromise with my morals
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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