Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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