I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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