gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I touched a dick in church today
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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