I feel great
I just peed on a car
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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