Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
