Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
