Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Of course I have a pirate flag
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
