youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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