Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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