Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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