I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
