so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
