im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
