I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
