Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
