you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
