That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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