If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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