fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
