I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
