His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
