You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
