She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
