I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
