Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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