If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
